The #MeToo Effect highlights the many barriers women like myself face from being survivors of abuse. Whether, that abuse is sexual, religious, financial, verbal, physical, or otherwise.
The fact that in 2023 we must still fight for equality, for our voices to be heard, for our statements/alleged allegations to be seen as credible is unfathomable.
I lived the horror of all forms of abuse via my former spouse of an 11 yr. marriage. I had three kids from the union. It ended 4 yrs later with 3 attorneys for the case with one assisting in bankruptcy do to the divorce settlements or lack thereof on my behalf.
What you see portrayed in this wonderfully written work is much the same experienced here. Grandiose ego's, positions of authority and power, the elite who threaten to destroy, the corruption and lack of competent judges, the disgusting/barberic mistreatment of those whom were abused. Not once but repeatedly by the system designed to protect.
Our thin blue line is meant to protect-serve, but at what extent is this accomplished, and for whom do they serve, might be best asked instead of merely, "What do we owe survivors?"
The victim blaming, shaming, guilt, gaslighting, manipulation, smear-campaigns, hoovering, and more are common place.
In my civil case - An I.C.C. (1st time violation) resulted in arrest of P.F.A. violation. He was sent for anger management and 3 months probation with drug/alcohol treatment being administered.
He told me afterwards years later, "I should've been teaching those courses not taking them."
It's appalling to note this man then became Deacon of our local churches after we separated/subsequently divorced in 2013. In fact, he has since wreaked havoc in his place of worship.
The fact that we have to rely upon celebrities to try to gain access to accountabilty is a slap in the face to ordinary citizens w/o the funding to protect themselves nor to even hold others accountable.
In fighting what do we gain? Might be a better question since we can't afford to fight City Hall or the Supreme Court as the cases may be in this novel.
Producing evidence to the crimes committed are often gone to the wasteside -ignored, forgotten, destroyed, hidden, or left to linger for the statues to expire w/o criminal charges being applied.
As a former public defender intern my job was to get people to understand multiple faucets of the legal system and apply it for defending our clients. I wasn't there to make nice or play the role of a supporter nor even to believe that those being charged were guilty or innocent. It was merely to 'Defend' and perhaps we need to examine it more closely.
The fact that he said/she said remains and that innocent before proving guilty is part of case law carries a grey area. Those we defend are in many cases guilty but as professionals we must remain neutral and serve out justice for those we defend.
As a survivor of a malignant narcissist I would add that these individuals know the courts from years of experience defending themselves in them. The tactics such as delay, appeal, pay-off, or threaten into submission are tactics that hold great pressure against survivors in coming forward.
Our lives are subsequently ruined while as Leigh Gilmore writes they're also enhanced for the defender who is awarded with specialized monetary gifts and entitlements for 'winning.'
Winning at all costs is something that's taken the back burner in these specific abuse cases. At what costs -much to ourselves-do we stay in this fight?
As in my case my excellent credit destroyed. My life torn to pieces even to today having been left bankrupt, homeless, LT unemployed from 20 yrs. childrearing/assisting spouse to further his own career.
Remember the old adage -Stand by your man? We're raised to not have power. To be silent. To take the blows and not speak out against our abusers.
In fact, upon discussing my own abuse his own aunt told me that I shouldn't come forward, remain silent, and stay married for the sake of the kids.
I chose to go to court and fight for the next generation not my own. Today I type this in extreme poverty, 12 yr of job searching, zero credit, and not able to re-enter after a 20 yr gap in employment.
Today I tell you that I told my story to every member of Congress and it fell upon deaf ears.
I was one of many who participated in the #MeToo movement. I believe in the voice of many but I don't always agree with walking around with a vagina plastered on my hat or on a sign to prove my point.
I believe the reason why many women aren't believed is because there's been a long time movement to see all women as crazy, delusional, or insane. The notion that we raise our voices and demand accountabilty shows a side of 'anger' that many aren't accustomed to seeing from women.
While, men showcase the same when being accused and in defending themselves for a woman to do the same will be labeled as too hard core, too femist, too much of a 'Karen' for their liking.
I'm a feminist -raised with three brothers/only daughter of 4 kids-I'll tell you this I'll never stop telling my story for the reasons you presented.
It's healing. It's helpful. It does open the doors for others to come forth in love and support.
So, in answer to your question, what do we want:
For me-personally-it's to be heard. To be seen. To be valued. To be treated as an equal.
To not be told I'm not believable nor credible. To have my evidence and my statements/accusations validated. To not be told to sit next to my abuser in court. To not be told, "I'm just a mom" or that I somehow cannot be trusted in telling the truth.
It's degrading for women to have male judges entertaining the tactics I mentioned earlier in assisting men to gain the upper hand. We need to revamp our courts (family courts especially) in being knowledgeable of this abuse and being able to understand DV and Sexual Abuse victims in a new light.
We aren't lying for any monetary gain. We would never put ourselves out there as there's nothing to gain but additional blame/shame.
I woke up to sexual abuse literally/figuratively and being married should not grant one that entitlement over another spouse.
I'm told nobody would ever believe me but my response is this: I have an entire internet system that values my truths. #TheLostSelfLifeAfterNarcissism is my world on Facebook.
God bless all survivors and thank you Leigh Gilmore for spreading light in the darkness of abuse everywhere.
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