Having married and successfully divorced a malignant narcissist with similar issues I can attest to the the hidden ways these individuals avoid the repercussions of their personality trait disorders. I'm also on the front line trying to now help others to heal having nearly 39k readers on my self help page in dealing with narcissism so please read my profile on Goodreads in its entirety as I have several links and learn as much as you can absorb especially from those who dealt with it first hand. https://www.facebook.com/thelostself/
I will note I was married for eleven years with three kids together and according to him I was his kept woman and biz partner never wife, lover, friend, or mother to our kids who all were born with medical complications and high risk. The information I provide is from thirteen years of a relationship, extensive reading, and outside education and scholarly training, in addition to my masters degree in criminal justice.
You cannot diagnose from afar and the author is correct in noting the comparisons of such as many try to correlate current politics and leaders to malignant narcissism and sociopathic tendencies as the Goldwater Rule prevents such commentary.
What we can note is much of what the author notes here and similar to my own experiences in the emails and commentary I have myself received.
Many survivors want to know what can they do, how can they simply just 'walk away' when they have these other outside connections such as children, business, and family or friends.
The truth is the warning signs, the gut instincts, the boundaries, and the supportive structures must be in place.
Priorities such as tending to one self and the reasons as to why these toxic individuals target certain types of personas is also a good starting point. Those who may have underlying unaddressed and often ignored issues such as low self esteem must be discussed.
With regards to narcissism they do need constant attention, adulation, praise, and what I call the spotlight/pedestal placement due to the grandiose ego and superiority complex.
While emotions were discussed I disagree with the notion that narcs feel love and want others back that they may have lost.
I've never met a narc that cares about anything but themselves and the only ones they love in my own personal experiences is themselves. These narcs much like sociopaths lack empathy, compassion, love, and maturation.
They are in infantile state that often was never fully developed so the temper tantrums, the childish selfish and manipulative ways often stem from this earlier time frame in their lives.
We could go back and forth with the nature v nurture debate but much of what this author notes is what I've also told my own readers seeking advice.
There's no one right or wrong way to deal with these toxic individuals other than to make yourself a priority, lay the groundwork and document all interactions especially if involved in legal challenges ie. divorce/child support/custody/visitation/ business.
These individuals operate from a false sense of self and will devalue and discard before you even have a clue it's coming to an end.
In terms of survival what's important to note is to take the actions seriously and don't think it's just 'eggshell' moments or that this too will pass as in many domestic violence cases (both genders) you must remain vigilante and protect self and if you feel threatened contact the proper authorities don't go it alone.
Secondly, develop a safety plan and no your rights and utilize third parties to lessen the tension that may result often in legal cases.
It's all about control, power, and mental mind games. It's about wearing the soul down by slowly, creatively, and effectively manipulating, deceiving, and gaslighting their way to a 'win' as the author noted.
What you don't want to do is try to 'win' but rather educate oneself, know the warning signs, and try your best to stay on top by not lowering your standards but also knowing how to pick your 'battles' with this person.
Regardless of whether it's a romantic encounter or business or even friendship the results are the same.
Aim high, stay strong, be smart, and don't feed the narcs or the sociopaths.
The more you can remain calm, the more you ignore, the more you don't let the little things escalate the better capable you are to efficiently enact what you need to get the job done and be successful.
I've dealt with mine for 13 yrs, 11 yrs married, now raising three kids, and when I know he's trying to insight the emotions I simply hold all the cards and maintain my pen.
By pen I mean power because you are in the end able to write how your story will be told.
You hold the power and he/she cannot take your power away from you.
You are born with certain talents and it's about the sociopath trying to steal away your power through use of fear, intimidation, isolation, confusion, threats, anger to gain control over you.
Sure they are emotion eaters but they are also dangerous because they do much of their work behind closed doors and smear campaigns, blackmail, pay offs, are no stranger to them.
They will hover, they will project, they will mirror, and they will become everything you ever wanted by projecting/mirroring back to you what they know you want to see.
In essence, they are nothing more than a figment of your imagination.
People believe in inherent goodness. They don't wish to believe that trickery, lies, falsities can simultaneously co-exist.
Don't fall for the wo-wis-me pity party stories. Don't be led to believe that what happened in the past won't continue to occur. Don't believe what you hear but rather what you see.
Trust actions not words and never be deceived.
In the end you only have yourself and you have to trust your inner workings. If it feels wrong, a bit off, a bit out of place that's your inner intuition giving you the sign.
Sure it's easy to walk away but not everyone can like those of us who are co-parenting.
However, what we can do is not project negativity and talk down about the other person but rather try to be smart and stay one step ahead.
Patience is a virtue. So too is knowing that staying in truth is better than living in lies.
Stay true to self and you'll never be wrong! Tell your story in helping others heal. Love not hate.
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