For many years domestic violence or domestic abuse was seen as nothing more than a power and control issue.
Today, we are learning that abuse takes on many forms and isn't just physical, verbal, or emotional but psychological, financial, religious, sexual, and more.While I understand this was originally written for Australian's it was recalibrated to fit the United States of America social acceptance and norms.
However, with this note one issue I always find with these books is the references used are usually more over than not-MALE.
When we're discussing issues that affect 90% of women I'd prefer to have professional women experts and research scholars and as a survivor of abuse myself I'd gladly take the stand.
Surely, one of the talking points over the years continues to be- Why do women stay? In fact, my own abuser told me that I'm the dummy for staying.
The courts offer no support and many women actually lose more by speaking out ergo why they are silenced. As noted by this author women start from a disadvantage due to years of abuse. They are seen as not believable nor credible even with numerous legal documents, police records, tapes or pics of abuse, and 911 calls. They are seen as damaged, crazy, delusional, or insane. They are viewed as 'shaky' at best and often are extremely nervous, loud, angered, and enraged from these actions wrongfully placed upon them.
I know this first hand as I went to family courts for civil case involving divorce/custody/protection from abuse violations. My abuser was afforded extra time to appear for court ordered hearings, he was treated with kid gloves, his opinion was golden. Yet, my opinion wasn't addressed, what I or my children needed never questioned, where I should be seated (next to my abuser) was discussed.
In fact, at one point I was told that I deserved the abuse from his very own council as the door slammed in my face. Numerous times my case was cancelled w/o my knowledge or the case was moved into judge's chambers or back door rooms. As a defendant who worked a block from the White House with OBP in DC he had not only wealth, power, but also prestige amongst his constituents and yes, you can buy your way to a WIN.
I had nothing. I was left bankrupt, homeless with our three kids, all our utilities turned off, zero funds nor savings nor credit. Long term unemployed meant I couldn't even afford my own legal council. Nor could I have one appointed as it's not criminal but civil so no pro bono's or legal aid.
Therefore, where does a woman go without a home, income, assets, savings, or credit when life requires all of these just to get a roof over your head?
People don't realize that when they see women's shelters they don't always take in children. When they hear about food banks they don't serve those who no longer have a home in that area.
When they believe that United Way or Social Security will help people stand tall they don't realize the red tape or the declines that you get when you simply request a job in rags to make ends meet.
In fact, people don't understand that even with Public Assistance (Welfare) there's a WAIT LIST for years just to gain access.
This was my life. I sat in my car in the freezing cold with nothing but an emergency blanket while my kids went to school because I couldn't afford to waste gas driving back and forth across the river to our new location (once we were finally able to secure section 8 housing.
What many think is that women have it made. They simply go to court, tell their story, and screw the male fathers forever with child support.
In my case my abuser was a malignant narcissist who used the system via delay, denial, and failure appear and to pay. Warrants were issued after a year and a half of zero support. An ICC violation resulted from my protection from abuse order being violated. Anger management, alcohol/drug rehab, and 6 months probation was awarded. Yet, my abuser said, "I should be teaching this class not taking it." Yes, even with an active PFA he tried to file a special relief hearing to gain access to a home he paid a mortgage upon as I had exclusive rights to reside there.
He had zero remorse, zero accountability, zero responsibility and still doesn't to this day and my kids are now teens with one as an adult over eighteen. All of this was discussed in this book in similar fashion.
The courts truly don't want to break up family units no matter how damaging the other parent is nor will they simply take away the other parents rights. Mine was arrested, removed from home, and told to stay elsewhere for the day yet he had rights to his kids. He was then arrested for pfa violation yet, still he had rights. He was abusive and had a history of abuse and arrest records having lost his job because of his actions with numerous articles of resigning for alleged wrongdoing yet still he has rights. I'm so glad the author discussed this in detail in this book.
It seems no matter what - even if he refused to pay 15 k arrears for support, even after he refused to appear for court, even after he delayed every hearing for 4 long years - nothing mattered because he was their father.
Sadly, women must learn that the courts lack funding, lack qualified individuals, and lack common sense. They look from a black and white perspective w/o shades of grey. They operate from outdated standards and statutes on the books. They have no idea what to do when someone comes in that's well educated, well versed, and not on drugs of any kind who knows how the law works or shall we say -should work.
The problem is SHAME which is just one small factor in this overall picture. The author finally addressed this aspect but also the blame game. These men grew up without having to pay the penalties for their actions. Many of these men lacked male role models and it's become a generational dynamic. Rather than break the cycle the cycle continues. Our country is run by men for men. Women need to become part of the equation in creating change for all.
The rules apply currently for men.
Therefore, no matter what you have to go along to get along or face the consequences. Women like myself learn this from day one it's a defective broken family system.
It's not just an Australian problem it's a global problem. It's worldwide and similar in structure across the globe.
Sadly, women learn quickly that they too are just another number. Until their death occurs they will not be taken seriously. The way the laws are written these men could do anything and not face penalties because it's not illegal to make threats it's only illegal to carry out those threats by actions.
Until something happens nothing can be done.
I remember going for my Masters while pregnant with my son. Interviewing officers was a priority to graduate for my thesis. Yet, I'll never forget my state police neighbor telling me that the PFA keeps his men in business. It's just a piece of paper that gives women a fake sense of security.
It won't stop a bullet.
What I see here happening kills me. Women not being taken seriously. Women losing their lives. God forbid they speak out against abuse they'll be shamed, blamed, and filed away. In fact, a police officer allegedly raped women prostitutes here and the shame these women faced was disgusting. They weren't believed not because they didn't tell the truth but because of their profession.
This is becoming more and more common daily and it's a losing battle.
On my self help site on Facebook entitled, The Lost Self Life After Narcissism people will ask what can I do to change their situation. Sadly, I know legally there's not much unless they're lucky to live in an area where their word holds value and their wallets hold money for good legal reps.
I can't speak for all but what I can say is never stay silent. Keep telling your story.
Gaslighting, brainwashing, intimidation, threats, fear of retribution/retaliation shouldn't prevent one from voicing concerns.
Also, women who are in the process of leaving must know that's the most dangerous time. Have a safety plan in place. Use codes. Contact the proper authorities. Tell others in your social network and stay abreast to the cell phone apps that may be used like GPS trackers.
Know your rights. Read up and get as well educated as you can. Follow through and stay on target.
When I left I had nothing but the clothes on my back. My credit cards were stolen. My car keys were locked away in his home safes without combinations being known.
These men operate from a type of brotherhood. It's often 'alpha males' who stand by one another. They know the limits and will take it to the limits to place fear in your heart and mind to prevent escape.
Know that you are strong enough to survive on your own. I have and continue to carry on.
Regardless of finances as I'm in extreme poverty know that there's a better way than living in constant fear, walking on eggshells, dealing with the fight or flight mode.
It's exhaustive, it's sickening, it's maddening and it will ultimately effect your well being and your children's to stay. They see and hear all and trust me they too know and will have years of recovery so please get help, get out, and stay safe.
Much love
No comments:
Post a Comment