Book Review: Truth and Repair By Judith L. Herman, MD

 Truth and Repair has arrived and it's ready to bring truth, empathy, and justice to surivors of abuse particulary sexual abuse and trauma.

Look, as a victim of abuse from domestic violence I can attest to a few of my grandest moments and not in any particular order.

Upon the 1st violation of a protection order the police actually asked if I'd like to press charges for him telephoning me to discuss nonsense when it's a direct violation of the no-contact rule via the order. Of course, I wanted him arrested not just for me but for all those victims/survivors who came before me that couldn't bring him to his knees.

Secondly, upon his filing of an illegal court order I was told it was illegal to file said order after he attempted to regain his home from an active PFA order which stated we had rights to said home as his wife and three children upon his filing of special relief order in which he paid the mortgage.

He then went to halt the child support order for 15k arrearages when the judge ordered repayment of this 21k for mortgage payments on a home that he inherited from his mother while married to me but for which I didn't want and for which I was tossed from upon having utilities turned off and could've lost my kids had I stayed in unsafe conditions.

I was then asked upon entering the court hallway why I didn't sit next to my spouse as we were there for custody arrangements. He was afforded extra time to appear for court and the court delayed the proceedings to afford him said time to appear.

I'd hate to say what'd happen if I didn't show on time, or if I didn't fill out the proper paperwork such as the income/expense reports as required by law that he'd not bothered.

In fact, upon being reprimanded to attend alcohol/drug treatment and anger management he noted, "I should be teaching not taking said courses."

Folks, this is the 21st century and women still have no rights in courts. Family courts are a nightmare and are meant as the author stated for white men to hash out their differences not for victims to get an apology, or feel heard, or even have their stories told.

When women go to court we were our hearts on our sleeves. We've often viewed as 'crazy, delusional, psychotic' before we enter the building based on our written words or verbal statements.
In my case, if you speak fast (PA born and raised) or loud (dad had hearing aid) you're automatically placed in a category of an angered 'Karen' persona.

If you are well educated you'll be downgraded quickly by these egotistical white males who seek nothing more than power and control over you.

It's taken me nearly since 2010 separation and 2013 divorce to finally repair some of the financial ruins caused by my 11 year marriage.

This was a central focus in what victims want and was discussed in great detail involving retribution, acknowledgement of said crime, those who harmed to know the damage they caused, the financial ruins, etc.

What I can tell you from experience having filed Chapter 7, was left bankrupt, homeless, LT unemployed, and in extreme poverty for the past 12 yrs. being left to survive with 3 kids (eldest son born med disabled with vater syndrome and then upon 18 yo having disability end yet disabled for life) is that men rule this world. My first payment was 100 dollars after living a year and half without income. Luckily my kids were able to be fed at local libraries and YMCA's but I wasn't able to get the same. As a women shelters locally didn't take kids. Housing and EBT (Food stamps) was on a 2 yr wait list. Every assistance available had taken years to obtain and by then you're already at your lowest of low and had to literally fight for survival.
Your health takes a huge hit as the stress wears you down and the inability to crawl out of poverty even with a dual masters and 20 yrs volunteering experience as a Points of Light recipient means nothing to the normal layman.

People who you assisted in their own times of need, those whom you volunteered to help, would be the very same that walked away upon your plight of homelessness.

Friends and family couldn't possibly understand why life was such a struggle and I tell you this from the heart it took 12 year for me to finally get employed as nobody would assist. I would send cold calls, emails, and attend every job fair in town sometimes applying to the same places and yet, nobody wants to be involved.

The laws in every regard are made for them to excell not for women to hold the same rights granted to them.
When religion approaches the conversation I literally want to duck and hide. As a former minister of hospitality I was listed to volunteer. I was in essence on the roster. Yet, the older white males refused to allow a woman to volunteer and in the midst of Sunday morn mass ripped the collection basket from my hands. Upon feeling further victimized as noted in this book I became upset and mentioned to the vicar how as a victim of violence this is traumatizing to me that this happens much less in a church. I was told these men need time to come around to this new line of thinking.
I kid you not!
Revictimization, blame, shame, and the guilt associated as if you're not held to be believable nor credible, in a court of law in which you're not the victim the state is ...is absurd.

Upon entering a court room my ex-spouse allowed the door to slam behind him w/o holding it open. I recall saying that's his normal and I'm used to that behavior and mistreatment. His attorney noted, You deserved the abuse. I'll never forget her words to this day.

It's a permanent scar. A wound. A constant reminder that we live in a world that has different rules based on the age, gender, race, or economical factors and yes, even location of the person. There's no guilt before innocence there's a hidden feeling of all women are liars that's apparent and felt. That we have to overtly prove our worth, our value, and our truths. Yes, even with documentation, court documents, police records, and pictures of abuse you'll still not credible. Even with proof of transferred funds it's not enough.

It's sadly never enough and I pray one day we get to the point where at face value we are believed for the truths we share. It's in sharing that we are healed and can allow others to come forward.

My facebook page, The Lost Self Life After Narcissism was created to help others heal, recover, and move forward in acknowledgement of their trauma and in face of their self love and acceptance.

You cannot expect it from the outside as it'll never be offered but what you can do is know your value, your worth, and your inherent goodness.

I can only hope this book helps enlighten others to the revictimization that's so apparent. To the domestic violence victims who can't get housing with active PFA's and or children. To those who stood hoping someone would simply acknowledge, accept, and understand their pain.

I hear you. I see you. I love you! Please reach out always! You are never alone and it's not your fault.  

Thank you for this ARC and I pray it falls in the right hands to help others heal and shed light on the importance of what can be done to assist all victims and survivors of abuse.